April 22nd, 2004
I’m not quite sure how, but I had managed to make my way back to the cabin after bidding Anna-Maria farewell. It would have been more gentlemanly of me to see her back to her cot(comma) but the woman wouldn’t hear of it. Actually, there had been a threat about my manhood being removed (comma)and that I would be slapped with it. I must say,(delete comma) that did not sit very well with me. It was best to just leave her to her own devices for the night, considering that I probably couldn’t find my way back from her quarters if my life depended on it.
I noticed the light in the cabin before I even entered. Jack’s room was the only one fit for living (in) that was on deck. Being the captain definitely has its advantages. The rest of the crew slept in one large room, each with their own cots. Anna-Maria had been given her own room, though it was more akin to a cupboard than anything else. I guess it would only be fair to have the room so small, considering the grief she would get from the rest of the crew if she was (were)treated too(don’t think there’s any need for the ‘too’ there.) differently. Though I’m not sure if any of the others would speak out against the fiery woman. That would just be dangerous.
As I entered the room, with an absolute lack of grace mind you, I noticed that Jack had already prepared himself for bed. He was lying on his back, staring at the wood of the ceiling.
“Jack.” One would assume that I would all ready know he was fully aware of my presence. Even so, he didn’t respond.
“Jack.” Is he ignoring me?(tense change…although the way you write it, I don’t notice it half the time so maybe just leave it)
“Jack!” His name came out as a hiss with a slight air of aggravation.
“What?!” I must have been bothering him.
“Oh, just checking.”
“You… checking what?” His confusion was obvious.
“I’m not sure.” I accompanied the comment with a shrug.
There was a noise that sounded suspiciously like an irritated sigh. “Just go to sleep.”
“I’m not tired.”
And you aren’t in my bed. Why aren’t you in my bed?
“I don’t care. I am tired and I have a ship to keep in order. Go. To. Sleep.” By this time Jack had turned on his side, his gaze was solid and full of authority.
“But Jack,” I stumbled over and plopped down next to him, making him sink towards me slightly. “Don’t you want to talk?”
This coming from the man that wants to know everything. You think he would jump at the opportunity to have an open conversation with me. (major change of tense in that last sentence. perhaps try ‘You think he would have jumped at the opportunity…etc)
I couldn’t get him to comply by simply asking, so I did the next best thing. I whined. “Come on, you’re always asking me questions. I’ll even let you go first.” Well, maybe that was more like begging.
“Fine. Who where you talking to that day?”
“Well, that’s a little ambiguous (comma)Jack. Do you think you could be slightly more specific as to what day and time?”
I think he means me. You know, when you called me a “conniving little bastard”. I still haven’t heard an apology(comma) you know.
And you never will.
“The day we where attacked. You practically ran around telling someone to fuck off. I want to know who.” This was something I had hoped he would have over (delete space to make one word)looked. At least I got him to speak to me.
“Oh, that. It’s this feeling I get. It speaks to me without words.” I ended there, as if that was a full explanation.
“Like a voice?” Jack tried to hide his concern, failing slightly.
“In a way. I mean, it uses words but it doesn’t sound like anything.” I ignored the fact that I just contradicted my last statement.
“Does it tell you to do things?”
What is this, an interrogation? I wanted a conversation, not an assault.
“Yes. I mainly ignore them. It is an annoying little thing. Doesn’t do a damn thing I tell it.” Apparently (comma) I felt inclined to answer every one of his questions.
It? I’m not that bad.
What would you prefer to be called? You don’t sound like anything so I can’t call you ‘him’ or ‘her’.
Still, I don’t like being referred to as an ‘it’. I’ll accept being referred to as Poena(1).
You have a name?
“You’re talking to it now, aren’t you?” Jack has always been far more perceptive at times than he normally lets on.
“Well, what did it say?”
Please let me talk to him. It would be a great deal of fun for the both of us, you and I.
I’m sure it would. Fine, but I’ll be listening so watch yourself.
“Why don’t you ask it yourself.”
”I am not an it.”
Jack’s eyes widened. “Then what are you?”
”I will be referred to as Poena. You will address me as such.”
“Cheeky little thing, aren’t you?” It seemed that Jack was unsure if he should be afraid or amused.
I could here(hear) the hiss escaping my lips(comma) but made no attempt to stop it.
”I don’t understand why the boy bothers with you. He should have freed himself like I told him, instead of holding on to false hopes.”
As quickly as I could(comma) I snatched back control over my functioning. “Okay, that is more than enough of that.” Jack opened his mouth as if to ask another question, but I quickly cut him short. “Jack, why did you stop drinking?”
Jack narrowed his eyes, contemplating on(could probably delete the ‘on’) what to say. “Well, it felt like the right thing to do.”
“Jack, you are the last person to do the right thing.”
Such an odd man.
“Ah, I saved you and yer little bonnie lass didn’t I?” I glared at the man, fully knowing (‘knowing full well’ maybe?) that I had a look of utter annoyance in my eyes.
“Yes, to get your treasure and the Pearl. It wasn’t exactly a favor.”
How did we get so far away from the original question?
“I could have found another way (to get) me woman (‘lady’ sounds more Jack…see what you think) back. I am Captain Jack Sparrow.”
“Because it was the easiest and safest (way)for you.” I deliberately put more weight on the bed, causing Jack to slid (slide) closer to me.
“Because I didn’t want to forget.” What?(!) Stop changing the subject you bloody pirate!
“Wait, what was the why?” It had taken me a moment to compose myself before I could ask this question.
“Rum. Drinking. Will you go to sleep now?” Not bloody likely.
“No. Forget what?” I was pretty sure that Jack was not aware that I had been moving him closer to me every once in a while.
“Everything, (semi colon) our adventure, getting the Pearl back, you.”
Jack had raised his hand in the air, letting it dangle from his wrist(‘at the wrist’ perhaps…sounds a little freaky otherwise. what do you think?). He turned his head into the pillow, grumbling softly while lightly waving his hand around.
“Why would you forget me if I’m right here?” The man had unwittingly moved closer when he turned into the pillow.
“I don’t now how long you’ll be here.”
I shoed (shooed) Jack over, taking off my boots(comma) before climbing into his bed.
“Will, what do you think you are doing?” Shush, you will ruin it.
“I thought you wanted me to go to sleep.”
“Yes. In your bed.” Don’t you dare try to shove me onto the floor.
“Jack,” I murmured into the small space between us, “I’m not going anywhere.”
If I can’t get what I want by being relatively direct, I’ll work towards it. I want Jack in my bed. If I can’t have that, I’ll just have to go to his. There (had) better be some damn good fucking soon, or I’m going to have to find someone else.
I woke up to the feeling that someone was staring at me. Assessing my surroundings, I realized were I had ended up the night before. Keeping my eyes closed, I could feel Jack’s breath on my face. Before I could comment, he began to speak. (ok, quick suggested re-write of that last bit; “I woke up to the feeling that someone was staring at me. Keeping my eyes closed, I assessed (or began assessing) my surroundings, and realised where I had ended up the night before. I could feel Jack’s breath on my face, but before I could comment, he began to speak.’..i dunno, I don’t want to sit here re-writing your stuff of course…I just think that you should mention the bit about keeping his eyes closed a little sooner than you did)
“An angel. You look like an angel when you are asleep.” Jack was whispering, seemingly (apparently?)not knowing that I had already awoken.
Opening my eyes, I startled him. He moved away from me slightly, breaking the closeness.
“And when I’m awake? A fallen angel maybe?” Jack looked pained at the question.
“You are not a fallen angel.”
“Fallen angels have descended from heaven, leaving behind their loving creator.” I tried to explain to him why I felt that I had fallen.
“Yes(comma) but why?”
“Well… because all angels are given a choice. But once they descend from heaven, they can not go back.”
Jack looked into my eyes, pleading with out words.
“They had free will, they weren’t forced like you. You didn’t want this. You didn’t fall, Will. You were pushed. It’s not the same.”
“But I can’t go back.”
“You can if you want to.” He leaned towards me, placing his lips on my forehead.
It feels so good. The tugging is strong and I can’t move. So I’ll just stay like this until he gets tired of it.
Damn it. There isn’t going to be any morning sex, is there?
It takes time.
1. Poena: pain, punishment
yay!!!! so much yayness but i'll let you know all that when i review your update!!!!